[He nods. That was the point, right? To mess with them, just how the shiki sent Tohru to kill him because they knew he wouldn't fight back.
Natsuno follows her gaze to the doll, and now it clicks: chunks of pink hair, filthy cloth that may have been white once. Someone especially precious, considering Rita keeps it near her pillow instead of the nightstand.]
[She looks at the doll a moment longer; most times, it's on the nightstand with the others, but other times...she likes to keep it a bit closer. After that moment, though, she returns her gaze to Natsuno again.]
It's probably more accurate to say I travelled with them because of her. It was just so I could learn more about her magic, at first. But...she just...wouldn't quit, you know?
[That last part might be vague, but a tinge of embarrassment covers her cheeks as she remembers just...how enthusiastic the girl was about befriending her. And...it worked.]
[Oh, he knows. Suddenly he's reminded of Tohru gripping his bicycle, cheerfully stopping him from walking away the first time they met. Natsuno swore to himself he'll never approach that idiot again, but somehow he ended up on Tohru's doorstep the moment he had another flat tire...]
...yeah, I know.
[He can see how it started for Rita, suffering the unyielding attempts at friendship for the sake of intellectual curiosity only to realize one day that other feelings wormed their way in.]
At some point it's better to just let these types have their way.
[Was, because even the fondest memories are tainted by what became of Tohru after he rose. Gone was the easy-going, unconditionally kind young man who got along with everyone. All that was left was a tormented soul who hated what he's become, but was too weak and scared to do anything about it.]
[While Rita can never seem to settle on using is versus was when it comes to Estelle these days, with Natsuno... From what he's told her, and from the look on his, it can only be was.]
[Tohru. He must have been...especially precious to Natsuno. Someone irreplaceable. Which just makes that latter statement extra painful.]
So--you did, too.
[See ones that looked familiar to him, that is. Rita figured he must have, that it couldn't have just been her and Jade, but Natsuno hid it all so well that she couldn't tell at the time who he might have recognized.]
Sorry. Even though you must have been hurting, too...you were still saving everyone else.
[He shakes his head before Rita even finishes to say "sorry." Hurting? He barely felt anything while they were fleeing. His body moved on its own taking those creatures out.]
...That fake couldn't hurt me. Not after seeing the real Tohru-chan rise.
[Honestly, she doesn't entirely believe that he wasn't hurt. But--seeing him rise--her hands clench nervously with the reminder of what happened in his village, yet she goes ahead and asks anyway-]
[Natsuno is a little surprised that she asks, after freaking out every time he brought it up.]
No. He looked and sounded just like when he was alive. [The difference between the body in the wake, devoid of anything that made Tohru Tohru, and the one knocking on his window was outstanding.] I'd never be able to tell the difference if I didn't feel how cold his hand was.
[He falls silent once more, staring ahead as he thinks. Maybe he should just tell the whole truth, now that Rita is willing to listen despite her discomfort. No more wondering what she'll think if she knows what that "disease" really is.
Some of his other friends already know. Rita deserves the truth as well.]
[It's still...unsettling, and there's a part of her that still wants to deny that any of it was possible. A bigger part of her trusts Natsuno, though. Even if it still sends shivers down her spine.]
Th...that's... [Less visceral than what they encountered last night, maybe? Yet...worse, too--already dealing with his best friend's death, only for him to come back...seemingly normal, yet... Came back wrong, Natsuno had said. ...She can understand how that would've been more painful than yesterday's fakes.
Then Natsuno ends up asking that question before she can collect her thoughts into a response, and she blinks at him.]
Huh? ...I--I guess...
[She's heard of that kind of story in passing, even if she would've preferred not to, but--oh. He did...mention before that they drank blood? And she hadn't been...willing to make the connection, until now that he's putting it out there.]
[So she knows what the word means. It makes things - well, not easier, not with how she's already startled. But is saves him the explanation.]
Yeah.
[Natsuno sighs. Why is it so hard? He mostly kept his true nature to himself, but when hiding it became impossible, he never felt like the confession had to be dragged out of him. It was unpleasant, sure, but also the natural outcome of being a monster. He's always ready to accept any possible reaction, so why is he dreading it now?]
Yes. [He keeps his voice neutral. While he told Rita the truth and only lied by omission, he's not going to make excuses.] I can, too. The difference is that those who died and rose have to drink blood, and I can survive just fine on normal food.
[He's not about to lie by omission now, though. It's time to come clean. While Natsuno's expression doesn't change, he definitely takes a moment to calm himself and think about the clearest, simplest way to put it.]
But... drinking blood makes me stronger and helps me heal faster. They serve it in the buffet, in one of the coffee machines. [Mostly for the other vampires onboard, who don't have the privilege of eating like humans.] I didn't touch it at first, but after Jenny's storm... [He huffs quietly.] I realized I needed every advantage I could get here.
[He'd never feed on passengers, but the coffee machine is there whether he uses it or not.]
[This is all a lot of very unsettling information, in a way, even if she'd struggle to imagine Natsuno as a blood-sucking monster if her life depended on it. It'll probably take a bit of time to process it all.
In the meantime, the detail that stands out to her most here...]
--There's blood in one of those?! Gross...
[Thank goodness she's not that much of a coffee person. Wait, what else did he say...something about drinking it himself??]
[It's definitely gross. Natsuno ignored the damn thing for a month, but it wouldn't stop beeping at him until the first drink he had, in the aftermath of Hurricane Jenny. He could swear the machine looked smug.]
...yeah. Without it, I'm no stronger than humans my age.
[He nods. That's sums it up, really. This really isn't the time to give her a laundry list of his weaknesses - though Natsuno would answer honestly if she asks. For now, he's just... well, let's not dwell on what he's feeling right now. He - appreciates that while Rita's repulsed by the idea of drinking blood, she's not repulsed by him.]
Mm. Shiki can only drink human blood. That's how they turn others. I think the blood in the buffet is human too, but I don't know where or who it comes from.
[Asking him about his weaknesses is about the furthest thing from her mind right now, and will probably continue to be so until something happens to reveal one of those weaknesses at an inopportune time. Otherwise...what she said a couple months ago hasn't changed: who he is being more important than what he is, even now. Maybe moreso now that he's told her all this.]
I see--well, it's not like we know where any of the food comes from...
[Something that has continued to vaguely bother her since they arrived and which she'd still prefer not to go crazy thinking about...anyway...]
But...how they turn others... So, you were... ["If I didn't feel how cold his hands were"--something clicks, and quietly, almost reluctantly, she continues.] Was it...Tohru?
[The question hardly comes as a surprise, but it still feels like being punched in the gut. He didn't realize how painful it would be to hear someone else say Tohru's name, especially in that context.
Natsuno stares at his knees, not wanting to see the quiet realization on Rita's face. How can he accept someone else's grief and sympathy when he won't give it to himself? All he can think about is a dark room and icy tears.
[Her chest twinges painfully just to see the way he confirms, totally silently, the answer she was already dreading. It's not fair... He shouldn't have had to...
Abruptly, she springs up from the bed onto her feet.]
I don't believe you. [Hands on her hips, she thankfully continues before that can be misunderstood in any way-] How can you not be hurting after last night?! After seeing that--something pretending to be him?! There's no way!
[She's certain he's hurting, whether he realizes it himself or not. It makes her hurt for him too, even if she doesn't really know how to help him through his grief, except-]
I'm just saying that you don't have to hurt alone, you know?
[He's quiet for a few moments. It's not that Natsuno doesn't get empathy. He cares for Rita, who has long since managed to crack the walls he put around himself. But this particular door has been locked and bolted so tightly, it's difficult to even think about letting other people's feelings in.]
I know. [Natsuno lifts his head to look at her, still serious, but some of the tightness around his eyes and jaw softens, just a little. He can step out of himself far enough to appreciate her intent, if not feel it.] It's just... too personal.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
neverleave) wrote2022-03-03 11:35 pm
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Natsuno follows her gaze to the doll, and now it clicks: chunks of pink hair, filthy cloth that may have been white once. Someone especially precious, considering Rita keeps it near her pillow instead of the nightstand.]
Did Estelle travel with you? Like Yuri and Flynn?
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[She looks at the doll a moment longer; most times, it's on the nightstand with the others, but other times...she likes to keep it a bit closer. After that moment, though, she returns her gaze to Natsuno again.]
It's probably more accurate to say I travelled with them because of her. It was just so I could learn more about her magic, at first. But...she just...wouldn't quit, you know?
[That last part might be vague, but a tinge of embarrassment covers her cheeks as she remembers just...how enthusiastic the girl was about befriending her. And...it worked.]
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...yeah, I know.
[He can see how it started for Rita, suffering the unyielding attempts at friendship for the sake of intellectual curiosity only to realize one day that other feelings wormed their way in.]
At some point it's better to just let these types have their way.
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So you knew one of those types, too?
[She isn't even surprised. It's all too easy to imagine someone like Estelle breaking through his grump act.]
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My best friend was like that.
[Was, because even the fondest memories are tainted by what became of Tohru after he rose. Gone was the easy-going, unconditionally kind young man who got along with everyone. All that was left was a tormented soul who hated what he's become, but was too weak and scared to do anything about it.]
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[While Rita can never seem to settle on using is versus was when it comes to Estelle these days, with Natsuno... From what he's told her, and from the look on his, it can only be was.]
...What was your friend's name?
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[There's a long pause before he can continue. It's still hard to even think about Torhu, let alone talk about him.]
...I saw one shaped like him, back in the desert.
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So--you did, too.
[See ones that looked familiar to him, that is. Rita figured he must have, that it couldn't have just been her and Jade, but Natsuno hid it all so well that she couldn't tell at the time who he might have recognized.]
Sorry. Even though you must have been hurting, too...you were still saving everyone else.
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...That fake couldn't hurt me. Not after seeing the real Tohru-chan rise.
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W-was it...anything like--that? When it happened?
[Like last night, walking, rotting corpses...]
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No. He looked and sounded just like when he was alive. [The difference between the body in the wake, devoid of anything that made Tohru Tohru, and the one knocking on his window was outstanding.] I'd never be able to tell the difference if I didn't feel how cold his hand was.
[He falls silent once more, staring ahead as he thinks. Maybe he should just tell the whole truth, now that Rita is willing to listen despite her discomfort. No more wondering what she'll think if she knows what that "disease" really is.
Some of his other friends already know. Rita deserves the truth as well.]
...do you know what a "vampire" is?
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Th...that's... [Less visceral than what they encountered last night, maybe? Yet...worse, too--already dealing with his best friend's death, only for him to come back...seemingly normal, yet... Came back wrong, Natsuno had said. ...She can understand how that would've been more painful than yesterday's fakes.
Then Natsuno ends up asking that question before she can collect her thoughts into a response, and she blinks at him.]
Huh? ...I--I guess...
[She's heard of that kind of story in passing, even if she would've preferred not to, but--oh. He did...mention before that they drank blood? And she hadn't been...willing to make the connection, until now that he's putting it out there.]
Wait--you mean--that's what happened to him?!
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Yeah.
[Natsuno sighs. Why is it so hard? He mostly kept his true nature to himself, but when hiding it became impossible, he never felt like the confession had to be dragged out of him. It was unpleasant, sure, but also the natural outcome of being a monster. He's always ready to accept any possible reaction, so why is he dreading it now?]
And to me. That was the disease I told you about.
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[She watches him sympathetically, letting him explain--as her brain slowly plays catch-up. So shiki means vampire, and Natsuno's... Her eyes widen.]
Wait...you're a vampire?
[--Well, she can't imagine he'd possibly lie about this, so it has to be true, but...]
But...I thought--you said the ones who didn't survive the transformation drink blood!
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[He's not about to lie by omission now, though. It's time to come clean. While Natsuno's expression doesn't change, he definitely takes a moment to calm himself and think about the clearest, simplest way to put it.]
But... drinking blood makes me stronger and helps me heal faster. They serve it in the buffet, in one of the coffee machines. [Mostly for the other vampires onboard, who don't have the privilege of eating like humans.] I didn't touch it at first, but after Jenny's storm... [He huffs quietly.] I realized I needed every advantage I could get here.
[He'd never feed on passengers, but the coffee machine is there whether he uses it or not.]
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In the meantime, the detail that stands out to her most here...]
--There's blood in one of those?! Gross...
[Thank goodness she's not that much of a coffee person. Wait, what else did he say...something about drinking it himself??]
...Oh, so...that's...why you're so strong?
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...yeah. Without it, I'm no stronger than humans my age.
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[Even if it's something that should seem kind of obvious in retrospect...it still feels surreal. Abstract.]
So...you have weird blood and sometimes you drink blood. That's...basically how it is?
[Yet the ones who died were required to drink blood... Oh. Oh.]
...Does it--is it human blood?
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Mm. Shiki can only drink human blood. That's how they turn others. I think the blood in the buffet is human too, but I don't know where or who it comes from.
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I see--well, it's not like we know where any of the food comes from...
[Something that has continued to vaguely bother her since they arrived and which she'd still prefer not to go crazy thinking about...anyway...]
But...how they turn others... So, you were... ["If I didn't feel how cold his hands were"--something clicks, and quietly, almost reluctantly, she continues.] Was it...Tohru?
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Natsuno stares at his knees, not wanting to see the quiet realization on Rita's face. How can he accept someone else's grief and sympathy when he won't give it to himself? All he can think about is a dark room and icy tears.
The words won't come out, so he simply nods.]
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[Her chest twinges painfully just to see the way he confirms, totally silently, the answer she was already dreading. It's not fair... He shouldn't have had to...
Abruptly, she springs up from the bed onto her feet.]
I don't believe you. [Hands on her hips, she thankfully continues before that can be misunderstood in any way-] How can you not be hurting after last night?! After seeing that--something pretending to be him?! There's no way!
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[Why is she always so upset on his behalf? Natsuno doesn't need - doesn't want anyone digging, forcing him to relive things he can't change.]
Tohru-chan's gone for good. That thing wasn't him. So what's the pointm
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[She's certain he's hurting, whether he realizes it himself or not. It makes her hurt for him too, even if she doesn't really know how to help him through his grief, except-]
I'm just saying that you don't have to hurt alone, you know?
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I know. [Natsuno lifts his head to look at her, still serious, but some of the tightness around his eyes and jaw softens, just a little. He can step out of himself far enough to appreciate her intent, if not feel it.] It's just... too personal.
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